"i love you" is 8 letters; so is "bullshit." stolen from a friend :-P

another lonely night...

Another lonely night...everyone has logged off aolim, no new emails coming in to reply too, and the eHarm dude has not replied to my email in almost a week. My apartment is dark except for the desk lamp and the little light over the kitchen sink. The horses are quiet in the barn below, and the sky is black through my windows. My cats are sleeping in their favorite spots, but that does mean that one is curled up next to me :-) Typing is a pain in the ass with two fingers taped together (only one is broken, thankfully) and I am tired, but not quite enough to go to sleep...maybe I will have another cigarette and play some solitaire.

~Mahatma Ghandi

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

(skinny) Woman

Inside me lives a skinny woman trying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

thank you!

Ugg! Finally :-P

test

this thing's being a pain in the ass! post damn you!!

Perfect, continued... :-)

Bumper Sticker

If evolution was outlawed, only outlaws would evolve.

Perfect!

Yesterday and today have been perfect! There is no other way to describe them. I woke up to 12 inches of pure white snow blanketing the countryside on sunday. And even better, I was not snowed in and had power, unlike some other unfortunate souls. My driveway was plowed and the roads were clear by the time I ventured outside (thank you mr. landlord and all you wealthy folks with suv's and pretty trucks to beat the snow off the road!). I went out and fed the kids and took a few pictures. Leaving the barn and my road today took a while, not because of the snow, but because I pulled over so many times to take more pictures.
Off to my first appointment of the day (which later became my only appointment due to worried horse owners that don't think their animals can handle walking in the snow). Well, my 2 hour appointment turned into 3 hours of pure fun! We played in Y's new roundpen with her horse that worries quite a bit and leaves when he gets nervous...combined with Y's injured hand, sessions were slow and a bit frustrating for her some days...but not with the new green playpen! Her horse was great today, and so was she...even brave enough to get on and ride in the snow!
We got a little distracted when two neighbor horses started running down the road...now this was comical...two snorting horses trotting down the road, squealing at all the other horses that ran up to their respective fence lines to say hello, followed by two teenagers trying to chase and herd them back to their house...that worked okay I guess, but about 5 minutes later, here come those horses trotting down the road again. So I told Y to go ahead and get off (just in case), and I grabbed the trusty SS and tromped through the snow, over the fence, across the road to Snort and Snortette. Got their attention, rubbed my way up to zone 2 and slipped the SS around Snorty's neck...I knew the other one would follow her buddy, so I just started walking...we went away from some other horses, across the road, up a snowy bank, and into Y's small paddock. The two teenagers had enough sense to run and get the gates for me as now Calm and Calmer followed, no questions asked, into their temporary holding pen :-) I sent the teenagers off to get halters to take the horses home, and went back to my lesson with Y...
She was happy with where she had finished under saddle, so we pulled her horse's tack and played with a little Liberty...it was Y's first time at liberty and she did great...played games 1-5, and even caused him to change direction a few times! Success!!!
I went home to my own kids after that, pulled their blankies, and turned them loose in the hay field...they ran and played and I egged them on with my c/s and took pictures...then I got my girl to come up to me and take her bridle and saddle willingly, played a little on the ground while I tightened the girth, then hopped on and made an amazing lap around the field at the canter, with snow crunching below us, and flying up behind! It was truly a perfect day!
Today was a relaxing day too, as my first client suggested we cancel, so I caught up on a good horsemanship book, then went to my afternoon appointments. First one ended in a nice bareback ride in a halter in a snowy roundpen, and the second ended with my student and I cantering her two ponies through some amazingly big hay fields, knee deep in snow...as I drove home, the blood orange full moon was just cresting over the eastern horizon...ahh, heaven!

Porn Star Name

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Mary Muffmuncher

What's" Your Porn Star Name?

Thinking...

I sit back, make myself comfortable, keyboard on my lap, I feel like this could be long...
I have been odd lately. Very internal, focused in my head, but not in any direction in particular. I have been thinking...digesting...making connections. All of this information...some new, some that has been there for a while...is making my head spin. I have been a bad person, a good person, selfish, selfless, oblivious to the thoughts and feeling of others, uncaring of the thoughts and feelings of myself, learning lessons, and causing lessons to be learned. I was on information overload this fall. Colorado, Maryland, Florida...horsemanship and techniques or self development and personal growth? Maybe they are one and the same. The information is in my head, fluttering around like a swarm of fireflies. Like ocean waves. Then it settles in one big muddy quagmire before rising up in a perfect formation of geese flying south for the winter. South to the warmth and sunlight that I am missing. But spring is coming. The daylight is coming back to me. My little geese are organizing themselves...they are readying themselves to fly back home. All of this information is churning, it's getting stirred up by my focus on the goal. I am ready to do something. Something big. But I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I haven't been sleeping well. I am antsy, anxious, excited. And then I am reminded that it's not the destination that is important...it's the journey. I need to get excited about the journey. I was excited about it last year...Tom was doing great, Daisy was about to have her baby...then I lost both. Tom just sits around now, grazing away the days; and I feel like I am not deserving of my relationship with Daisy. I let her down. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and we lost the little one. I lost a little of myself. But I feel like it's ready to come back. This fall gave me the ingredients that I needed to start dinner, so that I can fill myself back up; I have turned the oven on. My throat is tight in writing this...allowing myself to put these thoughts into words. They are choppy little sentences, not even sentences. I'm still not sure what my point is.
I want to be official at the next level. I am ready, but I have not taken the time with Daisy and we are just not ready because we are not ready together. I sat on her tonight. Quietly. Munching some hay. Bending left a little and right a little. Backing. She got really soft and backed off of a little rhythm in my legs. That was nice. It was good. It felt good. Because I allowed myself to have no agenda. I did not say "we will work on x, q, and f tonight." Instead, I allowed myself to ask. To help her be comfortable with me in zone 3. Just rubbing. Listening for her answer..."yes, you can get on my back tonight." It was positive. I felt good. She felt good. She was licking and chewing, blinking and thinking.
The difficult thing will be to maintain this lack of agenda, without losing my focus on the purpose. The principles are all intact, but it is hard. Really, really hard. I don't want to powerwalk towards the end, because the relationship would be lost. But I don't want to just wander aimlessly. I have a very hard time convincing myself that there is a nice place in the middle of the road.
And then I start considering other things...if I need to consider Daisy's thoughts and feelings, then I probably should give that same gift to myself. I have all of these grand expectations of myself... emotionally...physically...yet I do not give myself the same care that I give her. I do not ask permission of myself, or take into consideration my comfort zone. I get frustrated when I get stuck in the middle. I am a beginning and end type of person. I am goal oriented, but if my goals aren't accomplished quickly, then my focus gets lost. And then I get mad at myself. I go right brained and get fearful, scared and tense. Hmm, maybe that is why I haven't been sleeping so well lately. I need to allow myself. I need to be provocative for myself, fun for myself...I need to engage my mind so that the synapses in my head work properly. I need to love myself like I love Daisy and Tom. Give myself the benefit of the doubt. Know that I've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right. And know that it's okay if I'm wrong, because really, I can't be wrong when I'm learning. Whether I am learning and expanding my knowledge of horsemanship or of myself.

Seahawks

I want the Seahawks to beat the snot out of the Panthers tomorrow...and then kick ass at the Superbowl! I have never ever cared about football, except for the occasional football party, and that more for the drink and people....but Seattle has never been in the superbowl, and that would just rock!!

Here we go...

Alright....here we go :-)