Thinking...
I sit back, make myself comfortable, keyboard on my lap, I feel like this could be long...
I have been odd lately. Very internal, focused in my head, but not in any direction in particular. I have been thinking...digesting...making connections. All of this information...some new, some that has been there for a while...is making my head spin. I have been a bad person, a good person, selfish, selfless, oblivious to the thoughts and feeling of others, uncaring of the thoughts and feelings of myself, learning lessons, and causing lessons to be learned. I was on information overload this fall. Colorado, Maryland, Florida...horsemanship and techniques or self development and personal growth? Maybe they are one and the same. The information is in my head, fluttering around like a swarm of fireflies. Like ocean waves. Then it settles in one big muddy quagmire before rising up in a perfect formation of geese flying south for the winter. South to the warmth and sunlight that I am missing. But spring is coming. The daylight is coming back to me. My little geese are organizing themselves...they are readying themselves to fly back home. All of this information is churning, it's getting stirred up by my focus on the goal. I am ready to do something. Something big. But I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I haven't been sleeping well. I am antsy, anxious, excited. And then I am reminded that it's not the destination that is important...it's the journey. I need to get excited about the journey. I was excited about it last year...Tom was doing great, Daisy was about to have her baby...then I lost both. Tom just sits around now, grazing away the days; and I feel like I am not deserving of my relationship with Daisy. I let her down. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and we lost the little one. I lost a little of myself. But I feel like it's ready to come back. This fall gave me the ingredients that I needed to start dinner, so that I can fill myself back up; I have turned the oven on. My throat is tight in writing this...allowing myself to put these thoughts into words. They are choppy little sentences, not even sentences. I'm still not sure what my point is.
I want to be official at the next level. I am ready, but I have not taken the time with Daisy and we are just not ready because we are not ready together. I sat on her tonight. Quietly. Munching some hay. Bending left a little and right a little. Backing. She got really soft and backed off of a little rhythm in my legs. That was nice. It was good. It felt good. Because I allowed myself to have no agenda. I did not say "we will work on x, q, and f tonight." Instead, I allowed myself to ask. To help her be comfortable with me in zone 3. Just rubbing. Listening for her answer..."yes, you can get on my back tonight." It was positive. I felt good. She felt good. She was licking and chewing, blinking and thinking.
The difficult thing will be to maintain this lack of agenda, without losing my focus on the purpose. The principles are all intact, but it is hard. Really, really hard. I don't want to powerwalk towards the end, because the relationship would be lost. But I don't want to just wander aimlessly. I have a very hard time convincing myself that there is a nice place in the middle of the road.
And then I start considering other things...if I need to consider Daisy's thoughts and feelings, then I probably should give that same gift to myself. I have all of these grand expectations of myself... emotionally...physically...yet I do not give myself the same care that I give her. I do not ask permission of myself, or take into consideration my comfort zone. I get frustrated when I get stuck in the middle. I am a beginning and end type of person. I am goal oriented, but if my goals aren't accomplished quickly, then my focus gets lost. And then I get mad at myself. I go right brained and get fearful, scared and tense. Hmm, maybe that is why I haven't been sleeping so well lately. I need to allow myself. I need to be provocative for myself, fun for myself...I need to engage my mind so that the synapses in my head work properly. I need to love myself like I love Daisy and Tom. Give myself the benefit of the doubt. Know that I've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right. And know that it's okay if I'm wrong, because really, I can't be wrong when I'm learning. Whether I am learning and expanding my knowledge of horsemanship or of myself.
I have been odd lately. Very internal, focused in my head, but not in any direction in particular. I have been thinking...digesting...making connections. All of this information...some new, some that has been there for a while...is making my head spin. I have been a bad person, a good person, selfish, selfless, oblivious to the thoughts and feeling of others, uncaring of the thoughts and feelings of myself, learning lessons, and causing lessons to be learned. I was on information overload this fall. Colorado, Maryland, Florida...horsemanship and techniques or self development and personal growth? Maybe they are one and the same. The information is in my head, fluttering around like a swarm of fireflies. Like ocean waves. Then it settles in one big muddy quagmire before rising up in a perfect formation of geese flying south for the winter. South to the warmth and sunlight that I am missing. But spring is coming. The daylight is coming back to me. My little geese are organizing themselves...they are readying themselves to fly back home. All of this information is churning, it's getting stirred up by my focus on the goal. I am ready to do something. Something big. But I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I haven't been sleeping well. I am antsy, anxious, excited. And then I am reminded that it's not the destination that is important...it's the journey. I need to get excited about the journey. I was excited about it last year...Tom was doing great, Daisy was about to have her baby...then I lost both. Tom just sits around now, grazing away the days; and I feel like I am not deserving of my relationship with Daisy. I let her down. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and we lost the little one. I lost a little of myself. But I feel like it's ready to come back. This fall gave me the ingredients that I needed to start dinner, so that I can fill myself back up; I have turned the oven on. My throat is tight in writing this...allowing myself to put these thoughts into words. They are choppy little sentences, not even sentences. I'm still not sure what my point is.
I want to be official at the next level. I am ready, but I have not taken the time with Daisy and we are just not ready because we are not ready together. I sat on her tonight. Quietly. Munching some hay. Bending left a little and right a little. Backing. She got really soft and backed off of a little rhythm in my legs. That was nice. It was good. It felt good. Because I allowed myself to have no agenda. I did not say "we will work on x, q, and f tonight." Instead, I allowed myself to ask. To help her be comfortable with me in zone 3. Just rubbing. Listening for her answer..."yes, you can get on my back tonight." It was positive. I felt good. She felt good. She was licking and chewing, blinking and thinking.
The difficult thing will be to maintain this lack of agenda, without losing my focus on the purpose. The principles are all intact, but it is hard. Really, really hard. I don't want to powerwalk towards the end, because the relationship would be lost. But I don't want to just wander aimlessly. I have a very hard time convincing myself that there is a nice place in the middle of the road.
And then I start considering other things...if I need to consider Daisy's thoughts and feelings, then I probably should give that same gift to myself. I have all of these grand expectations of myself... emotionally...physically...yet I do not give myself the same care that I give her. I do not ask permission of myself, or take into consideration my comfort zone. I get frustrated when I get stuck in the middle. I am a beginning and end type of person. I am goal oriented, but if my goals aren't accomplished quickly, then my focus gets lost. And then I get mad at myself. I go right brained and get fearful, scared and tense. Hmm, maybe that is why I haven't been sleeping so well lately. I need to allow myself. I need to be provocative for myself, fun for myself...I need to engage my mind so that the synapses in my head work properly. I need to love myself like I love Daisy and Tom. Give myself the benefit of the doubt. Know that I've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right. And know that it's okay if I'm wrong, because really, I can't be wrong when I'm learning. Whether I am learning and expanding my knowledge of horsemanship or of myself.
posted by Kelly @ 10:20 PM
1 comments
